Part Four: My Racist Act, Redux

This story began with my racist act (see Part One); then I took you on a quick flashback through my childhood years (Part Two) and my first year in college (Part Three). Now, please take your filming camera back to the scene in the cafeteria. But this time, we come in 15 minutes earlier, while the three of us are still eating dinner …

Put your camera here, on me. What was I thinking that night, before I asked The Question? I don’t recall the particulars. But chances are, I was still relishing being in an all-Deaf environment. I was probably thinking something among the lines of, “At last! I’m in an all-Deaf environment! I’m in a place where I belong! And I belong because we all share ONE overarching identity in common–we are all DEAF, with a capital “D”!

Now, gently press fast-forward, but only enough to speed through the next 15 minutes. Again, watch me ask the question: “Do you see yourself as Deaf first or as Black first?” See me watch expectantly for the response.

I think I was looking for an affirmation of what I had assumed to be our mutual “We are Deaf first!” identity. In other words, I was selfishly focused only on my own need to feel good as a “Big-D” Deaf person and not really on the person I was talking with at all.

See, again, the look of hurt on my companion’s face. My question shocked her so badly that she trembled as she struggled to explain why my question was so horribly wrong. She makes several attempts to get through to me, but the light just doesn’t dawn for me. She didn’t cry. At least, not then, not in front of me. But given how upset she was, it wouldn’t surprise me if maybe she did cry later, in the privacy of her room.

She turns to her friend for help. Her friend agrees that my question was wrong, but her attempt does not get through to me either. They leave, both still visibly upset, but particularly the woman to whom I had addressed my question. And I remain at the dinner table a little longer, still confused. I grasped enough of their pain to understand that I must never again ask the same question with another d/Deaf African American. But I didn’t understand yet what I had done wrong.

If you’re a Deaf African American, then you already know exactly why my question was so hurtful. If you’re Caucasin and if no one has ever explained it to you, then you might still be confused about what the big deal is about. Please bear with me until the next installment …

Next:
Part Five: The Consequences of My Racist Act
Part Six: My Racist Act: The Apology I Owed

[Want to submit your own essay for publication on this blog? It should be related in some way to reunifying or healing the Gallaudet community in the aftermath of the protests. See prior posts soliciting co-authored essays or essays in general for instructions.]